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Reflection on 2024
Crying never did nobody no good no how, Laughing sometimes does somebody some good somehow, Loving never did me no good no how, Lying never did nobody no good no how, So why am I lying now?
Much like last year’s reflection, I could not bring myself to write it during 2024; and so here I am, writing halfway through the end of January. The year 2024 was a time of change, again as always. The second of February was the day I came home to Indonesia, where immediately after a transit at Doha I was met with the scorching heat of the Cengkareng airport. My close friend, Chris, was waiting for me at the airport and helped me get my bags and my briefcases into a cab I called to my mother’s house in Priok. Through the trip, I was met with multiple banners of AI characters depicting the incumbent candidate running in the 2024 Indonesian presidential election.
When I lived in the Netherlands, I heard and saw the speeches the now-elected President made regarding defense, health, education, etc. It was not a good sight because the far-right party was just elected in the Netherlands with Dick Schoof later becoming the Prime Minister, I am afraid of the same wave hitting me when I get back. As I had dinner with some of the elderly women from the Indonesian church at Arnhem, two of them told the story of how the service workers at the supermarket has given them a not-so-friendly look during the election season. Xenophobia is reeking both abroad and at home, with Rohingya refugees in Indonesia being abused by students in Aceh.
And so it goes. As I expected, Prabowo got elected after multiple failed presidential campaigns, Indonesia’s Weimar Republic fell, and I had to get going. The longing for Europe and its seasons was still a common thought that pained me during that time, and to soothe the pain I went on to watch the movie Eksil (2022) where shots of Amsterdam and Hoofddorp were shown. I cried as I saw the blue sky and went on to watch it three times and it is to the movie and its cast that I owe my recovery.
I have set an appointment to rent an apartment in the same campus complex since I was in the Netherlands. After a week of acclimating to the place where I spent my childhood, my friends Marchell and Taufiq helped me move my stuff and boxes to my new apartment where I set up my monitor, hung my clothes, and sorted my books. Almost every night after that day I fall asleep to the shining black lights of Kukusan facing towards Lebak Bulus. A view that was familiar to me in my sophomore year and my year abroad. The Depok campus became very dear to me and everything being within walking distance – as is usual in a college town – made the transition easier. Some days were spent drinking and eating in many cafeterias and some were spent singing and cooking a lot of things.
Most of the Dutch people I know are not open to being friends, which is very different from how I treat foreign students in my area and campus. One of my neighbors in Nijmegen sure befriended me over a cup of cocktails, silly poker games, and obscure poetry but there are more friends here at home. And so I went back to my elements, went on to work on two projects, and released them. Rawon, a public university student database serving thousands, and Ilalang, a poetry repository containing works I’ve typed myself from archaic and fragile banned 60s books from the People’s Institute of Culture (Lekra). I read many books and made a StoryGraph account, watched many movies and made a Letterboxd account, and binged many series and made a Serializd account.
Some points I can think of at the top of my head: Being abroad taught me to be resilient towards other peoples’ ill, no matter how absurd they are. Having little groups of friends are alright and you don’t have to call anyone you know as a friend. Enemies are to be known and to be alert of, being gullible does anyone no good. Conflict does not have to escalate to violence. Dress well and try to not speak ill of yourself.
Sumur segala derita, bersamaan semua berpelukan. The well of suffering, all embraced in unison. I have suffered and I have cherished all that has been thrown at me. I know that I can do that again. I am still learning this life thing, a work-in-progress with no known measure of when it will be finished. I have made some poems during the year, but just like the ones I made in Europe, I cannot collect them because I keep on trying to adjust them and there is never a sense of it being done, to check that it was good.
This year too I have gone back to working in a quality assurance role and taking on side projects. Still trying to balance them with things that make me feel alive, but I sure love the walkability in Sudirman near my office. If only the air is as clear as it is in Nijmegen. This year I want to write more and hone my argumentative skills in writing. The journal I have brought from the Netherlands still has half of its pages blank. Most of it is about daily reflection, poetry, suffering, and everything in between.
The road is dark, and home is far.
Sleep now, in the poor state you are.
Tonight be dreamless, and tomorrow
Wake free from fear, half-free of sorrow.
Dark Road, Vikram Seth - All You Who Sleep Tonight (1990)
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